What a ‘Palestine’ birth announcement might look like

Today, people everywhere turn to Mahmoud Abbas and Benjamin Netanyahu.  Mr Abbas, who currently serves in the eighth year of his four-year elected term as President of the Palestinian Authority, has joyously coupled with Mr Netanyahu, who serves as Prime Minister of Israel. Together, they now prepare to announce the birth of a baby called, ‘Palestine’.

The birth is scheduled to take place in Washington, DC. The midwife will be United States Secretary of State John Kerry. The Godfather is Barack Hussein Obama. The doting aunt is Israel’s Minister of Justice, Tzipi Livni.

Upon birth, the child will be wrapped in a blanket of newspaper headlines. He will be dressed by former US Ambassador to Israel Martin Indyk. The baby’s dressing gown will be made of the words, “two states, living side-by-side, in peace and security” (Paul Lewis, “Former US Ambassador to Israel Martin Indyk to oversee talks with Palestinians,” The Guardian, July 29, 2013).

Immediately after birth, the baby will be placed into a basket made of promises. The basket will then be placed after dark—secretly--at the doorstep of the United Nations.

A birth announcement and a letter of introduction will be placed into the basket beside the baby. The letter will be addressed to Ban Ki-Moon, currently Secretary-General of the United Nations. In the letter, the baby’s parents will not be fully identified. Instead, the letter will instruct that, whenever the baby is mentioned, only Mr Abbas’ name be used. The letter will also contain instructions that no Jewish hands ever touch the baby.

The delivery to the UN doorstep will be made by Former Ambassador Indyk. Mr. Indyk had arrived at the labor room just hours before the birthing announcement, and his arrival was cheered.  He had been invited to the birth conference because, Secretary Kerry has said, the birthing of such a child would be tough. Mr Indyk was needed specifically because he knew how to ‘carry the load’ for the United States during any labor involving Israel. His skill is considered important because Mr Abbas has already suggested that he has a load for Mr Netanyahu. Mr Indyk has been invited to be the envoy to deliver that load.

After Mr Indyk fulfils his role, the baby will be declared ‘destitute’. He will become a ward of the United Nations.

Following the birth, there will be much rejoicing. The baby is expected to facilitate the cleansing of Jews from Judea-Samaria and Jerusalem. Mr Abbas will take personal responsibility for this purification.

Mr Abbas expects many celebrations. To encourage this joy, he has given his blessing to Jew-cleansing. He has already announced that there will be no Israelis in his new Palestine.

Mr Abbas, 78, is also known as Abu Mazen. He has received the Soviet equivalent of a PhD from the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow. His dissertation topic was, ‘The Other Side: The Secret Relationship between Nazism and Zionism.’ He has dedicated his life’s work to destroying Israel. He understands Nazism. He hates Zionism. He will train his new baby to destroy the Zionist state.

Prime Minister Netanyahu, 63, is close to becoming the longest-ruling Prime Minister in Israel’s history. He has been extremely popular. He heads the Likud Party, which is dedicated to protecting ancestral Jewish homeland in Judea-Samaria and Jerusalem. However, in a diplomatic coup, Godfather Obama has persuaded Mr Netanyahu that joy will come not from Likud, but from the new baby.

Related to the baby are its aunt and uncle, Hamas and the Muslim Brotherhood. Both Hamas and the Muslim Brotherhood, like Mr Abbas’ Fatah, are committed to the destruction of Israel. Mr Abbas expects these relatives to join his rejoicing—if they don’t overthrow him for coupling with a Jew.

Mr Netanyahu does not know how his own relatives will react. He faces two issues. First is his coupling with Abbas. He does not expect much negative reaction to this. Many Jews in Israel find Mr Abbas attractive. 

The second issue for Mr Netanyahu is the baby. Many in Israel will argue that the baby should never have happened; Mr Netanyahu should have been more careful. Some will want to embrace the poor orphan. Others will feel only shame.

It is possible that the baby will never come to the Middle East. There are rumours that the G-d of Israel is not pleased to see Israel couple with Mr Abbas. Other rumours say that if Mr Abbas continues to negotiate with Israel, Arabs will assassinate him because negotiations with Jews defile the Arab dream.

In Israel, Mr Netanyahu watches polls. He trusts in them the way some trust in G-d. There are rumours he looks worried.  

Mr Abbas, however, delights in his anticipation. He celebrates as labor begins. He does not care if the G-d of Israel is angry.

He asks everyone to join his celebration.